I have lived with depression for as long as I can remember. The primary way I’ve dealt with it is talk therapy. I first received talk therapy at age seventeen, and I’ve now been receiving therapy consistently for over twenty years. When someone asks me what might help them with their own particular mental illness, I always recommend talk therapy first and foremost. I see it as the foundation of my wellness plan. There are lots of other things I’ve tried, but to me talk therapy is the infrastructure, the scaffolding, upon which everything else is built.

But it’s not the only thing. I’ve also been on antidepressant medication for sixteen years and three months, and that’s what I want to talk about in this post. It’s easy for me to know exactly how long I’ve been on meds, because I received my first prescription just a few weeks after my first child was born. As soon as we became a family of three, I began spiraling down frighteningly quickly into a deep funk. I won’t go into the details here – it’s all in chapter 28 of Darkwater. (If you haven’t read Darkwater, feel free to order a copy here!)

Prior to that, I’d always been hesitant to try meds. I had heard so much about the side effects, and thus far I just felt like depression was something I could manage by myself with talk therapy. And I had a sense of pride that I was doing it “naturally,” without chemical aids. But this felt different, deeper. And what’s more, I now had another reason to try to be healthy. This little child was completely dependent on Heather and me. And I felt like I’d better take care of myself for his sake, even if not for my own.

So I swallowed my pride and my doubts, and tried to find a psychiatrist. I couldn’t. Every place I called was either not accepting new patients, or had a waiting list of three to six months. I have since learned that this is sadly common – there were (and still are) far few psychiatrists for the level of need out there.

I was certain I couldn’t wait even three months. So I reached out to my family doctor, and got an appointment. I shared with him the cocktail of meds that had helped my sister through a rough time of anxiety, and he agreed that that was probably a good place to start.

I didn’t get a psychiatrist until about four years ago, when I had a breakdown a few years ago that led me to enroll in a “partial hospitalization” program. I was assigned a psychiatrist while there, and when I was discharged, she asked if I’d like to continue to meet with her, instead of relying on my family doctor for psychiatric meds. I happily agreed.

Over the years, I’ve been on several different meds: Wellbutrin, Celexa, Lexapro, and Cymbalta. It’s hard to know whether they work. It can take up to six weeks to really see any therapeutic effect, and so it’s difficult to know what to attribute to the medicine. I’ve found that the side effects weren’t as bad as I expected. A little weight gain, some drowsiness, and that’s about it. (I also had some amazing vivid dreams when I was on Celexa, which I kind of miss, actually.) Now, that’s just me – I know that for some people the side effects for certain meds can be much worse.

The funny thing about these meds is that I have really no idea if they help or not. Mental health is so wonky that way – if I start feeling better, is it the medicine? Or the therapy? Or that something changed in my life? Or that I’m just at an upswing in my emotional cycle? For sixteen years, I’ve never been sure if they help or not. Because my side effects have been so mild, I’m convinced that the meds don’t hurt. (In fact, I find that with my current meds, I get insomnia far less likely than I used to. So I like that side effect!) But do they help? I know they help many people – I have no doubt that antidepressants have saved lives. But have mine helped me? I wish I could tell you.

Do you have any experiences with psychiatric medication, positive or negative, that you’re willing to share? Share it in the comments!

Now, there’s a reason I’m writing about this now. And I’ll talk more about that in the next post. Watch for it soon!