Just this morning, I officiated at the confirmation of five wonderful teenage youth in my congregation. Among them was my own child Alex. At our congregation, each confirmand chooses a Bible verse to be their “Confirmation Verse.” Perhaps this is either a favorite verse, or one that holds special meaning for them at this time in their life.

Alex chose Luke 6:37 as their verse: “Do not judge, and you will not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”

This verse has been haunting me all day, as I’ve thought about ways that I judge, ways that I condemn, ways that I fail to forgive. In so many ways, I am not the person I want to be. In so many ways, I am tired of the person I’ve become, tired of the ways I react. I am so tired of being so good at writing words, and so very bad at saying them.

Here’s what I’m saying: I judge constantly, and I want to stop doing it. Whenever I read something in the newspaper, I judge whether the writer is “on my side” or not. I judge whether the people they’re writing about are “on my side” or not. I judge whether something going on is good or bad.

I judge people all the time, though I have learned (at least sometimes) not to say it out loud. I have learned that my first impressions of people are almost always wrong. And yet I judge them anyway. I can’t seem to stop it.

In my job as pastor, I so often find myself judging whether someone is doing something “right” or “wrong” in the church, and I so often find myself trying to curb or stop people who are doing wrong. I step in and try to make things perfect to my eyes. And so often, that does not go well. So often, I find myself apologizing for being insensitive. So often, I come face to face again with the thought that I have to leave the church, that I’m causing more harm than good.

I am so tired of apologizing. I am so tired of feeling so guilty. I am so tired of putting myself in situations where I need to apologize. I am so tired of hurting and upsetting people.

I am tired of constantly judging whether things are good or bad, right or wrong. I am tired of constantly thinking I need to be an authority on these things. I am tired of thinking that it’s my job to improve the people around me, that it’s my job to protect the people around me from each other, and from themselves. I am tired of thinking I have the ability to improve the world around me, or improve the people around me. I can’t. I can only improve myself.

I am so tired of thinking I’m so smart. I’m so tired of thinking I’ve gained skills. I’m so tired of judging myself against some phantasmic scale of intelligence or aptitude or success. I’m so tired of thinking I know anything. I don’t know anything at all. I’m just an idiot trying to get through the day. Maybe we all are, I don’t know. But I know that I don’t. And I’m tired of pretending I do. I’m tired of thinking I am so clever, so interesting, so important. I don’t know whether I am or not – I always seem to waver back and forth, and I’ve so often blamed the Dark Voice for that wavering. I blame the negative judgment of myself on the depression, and assume the positive judgment of myself must be right. But you know what? It’s all judgment, and I’m tired of it.

I’m just so tired. And I’m ready for a change. I’m ready to stop judging. I’m ready to stop thinking I know whether I’m right or wrong. I’m ready to stop thinking I know whether someone else is right or wrong. I have no idea, and I’m ready to stop pretending I do. I’m ready to start just observing what’s around me, without needing to know whether it’s good or bad, right or wrong. I’m ready to start just accepting people around me, without needing to know whether they’re “on my side” or not. I’m ready to let go of my expectation that my role as a pastor includes making things perfect around me. I’m ready to let go of thinking I even know what perfect means.

I’m ready to accept my emotions for what they are. Sometimes I’m happy. Sometimes I’m sad. Sometimes that happens for a good reason, and sometimes for no reason at all. And that’s okay.

I’m ready to stop trying to do the right thing, stop trying to do the good thing. Because those are such arbitrary and subjective things. I’m ready to try to do the kind thing instead.

Am I really ready to do all this? I don’t know. Is this just an emotional reaction to some stuff going on in my life? Maybe. But it’s really feeling like I need a change in my life, and I can’t think of a better one than this. Is this a midlife crisis? I’m the right age for one. Or am I just tired?

Will this commitment last? I’m reminded of how, in junior high school, I used to have “nice Mike days,” days when I would wake up and intend to be nice with every interaction I had that day. It never succeeded, and I would always end up feeling miserable at what a failure I was. But this seems different. That attempt always felt like behavior control, while this feels more like attitude readjustment. And it’s an attitude readjustment in line with DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy), a model of therapy that was so powerful for me when I was first exposed to it a few years ago.

I just have to figure out now how to make this work. But I really think I’m ready. Time to accept. No more judgment.

Featured image by Bing AI.