A Conspiracy of Letters

Wake up, sheeple. There’s something going on around us that you need to know about.

So, I was minding my own business, just browsing through The American Dictionary of the English Language, when I noticed something that disturbed me. The word Democrat was listed before the word Republican. And not just a few words before it either. There were seven hundred and fifty-four pages separating them. I took a deep breath. Probably doesn’t mean anything, I told myself. After all, one of them has to come first. No big deal.

But then I looked up left and right. Guess what? Left was first, by three hundred seventy-two pages. How about red and blue? No surprise. Blue appeared first in this dictionary, nine hundred and forty-seven pages before red. Now I was starting to get concerned. Could this be some kind of conspiracy, I thought? An attempt by the publisher to show that Democrats were more important than Republicans? I looked closer. Right above the word blue was the word bludgeon, and right above red was recycle. And if you think that’s some kind of code, then YOU’RE RIGHT. The editors of The American Dictionary of the English Language are calling for an armed rebellion, calling for Democrats to bludgeon Republicans until they are recycled! Recycled for what, though? THAT’S NOT CLEAR!!!

I looked up Trump. It’s there, but buried so deep on page 1377. I couldn’t find Biden anywhere. Maybe this dictionary was okay after all — until I noticed something. Just fourteen pages from the coded message bludgeon – blue, were three words, very VERY close together: bidden, bide, and bidentate. They thought they could sneak this through. They thought that no one would notice. But they were wrong! I can see through the charade! This dictionary is a coded message for the liberals!

But wait! Then I thought, “How about liberal and conservative?” Well, hold onto your hats. Conservative came first! And this was the proof I needed. The exception that PROVED that I am correct with my interpretation. After all, everyone knows that the exception proves the rule!

But it gets worse. I thought of just burning this dictionary and investing instead in another one. I went to the library to look into my options, and found that every single dictionary had these words in the same order. That’s right. Merriam-Webster. Funk & Wagnall’s. Oxford. Every single dictionary showed this same blatant bias. I ran out of the library, ready to scream.

Finally, the truth hit me. Get ready, dear reader, for this may shock you. Dictionaries all have words in the same order. That’s right! The publishers of dictionaries have no freedom to decide what order to put their words in! They can decide to omit some words. They can write their own definitions. They can even make up words if they want to. But they have to put those words in a certain order. This is the NEW WORLD ORDER that the left has created. And there’s a name for this new world order: ALPHABETICAL ORDER.

And if you think this is shocking, AND IT IS, wait until you read this:

There is a company named Alphabet, Inc.

It is the parent company of … wait for it … Google.

There is still so much to uncover here, but I believe, NAY SIR, I AM CONVICTED THAT, Google has created time travel in their labs, and taken their so-called ALPHABET with them back to ancient Indo-Europea, where language first developed. And from there, they created the alphabet they wanted, just so that in the twenty-first century, they could have control over the world. That’s right.

I don’t have proof of that yet, but I will. Oh, I will.

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