Disco Gourds

I used to really love Fridays. They’re my day off. The one day of the week when I get to take off my pastor hat, and just be Michael. I used to have a lot of fun on Fridays. I used to go out letterboxing on Fridays a lot, drive for miles and miles to then hike for miles and miles to find tupperware in the woods. I used to make plans with friends on Fridays. Maybe I’d build a campfire in the woods behind my house, or just go for a long walk, or read all day long.

Lately I haven’t been enjoying Fridays so much. I’ve worked a bunch of Fridays – four funerals in two weeks will do that to you. And I’ve spent a frustrating amount of time on a few recent Fridays dealing with some conflict and hurt feelings that resulted from some blog posts I’d written. And I’ve gotten so lousy at time management the rest of the week that Fridays are now my errand and chore day. I do the grocery shopping every Friday, as well as a bunch of chores at home.

But today was just a bleh day. I finished reading The Martian by Andy Weir, so that’s something. I highly recommend it (as well as the movie based on it). But I grew so weary today of my kids being demanding and immature. I grew so weary of the news and my Facebook feed telling me about Kavanaugh’s imminent confirmation. I grew so weary of hearing my phone beep every time I received an email — I’ve fooled myself for weeks now thinking every email might be from one of the publishing houses to which I’ve submitted my book.

In fact, I’ve grown so very weary from that expectation that a voice in my head has now overreacted to that expectation: he tells me that I have been fooling myself to think that I would ever be published. They’ll never contact me. My submission just went straight in the circular file, where it belongs. I am starting to believe that right now, yet at the same time, I rush to check my phone whenever that ding comes in.

But there were a few bright moments today:

• I really enjoyed The Martian.
• When my daughter came home from school, she was so thrilled to show me her school photo, which came in today. She said, “I finally figured out how to smile right in pictures!”
• While listening to my favorite podcast, The Mental Illness Happy Hour, I heard an interview with Mariel Hemingway that really resonated with me — the way she described a voice in her head sounded remarkably similar to the way I talk about the Dark Voice.
• When I was exiting the supermarket today, I saw a display marked “Seasonal Deco Gourds.” But on first glance, I thought it said, “Seasonal Disco Gourds.” The image that appeared in my head made me laugh for some time. I really want some disco gourds.

So a few highlights. That’s nice. Probably the best I can hope for these Fridays. I guess it’s enough.