Today was the kind of day I always look forward to. I had nothing on my schedule. I got all my steps in easily. I read a lot; I knocked out all the things on my to-do list. I even started a strange new project not worth getting into here. I didn’t interact with a single person other than my family. Wonderful and relaxing for an introvert like me. Oh, and bonus…I actually got almost eight hours of sleep last night, which is an absurdly high number for me. I’m usually satisfied with six, and I can tolerate five.
Yet I don’t feel great. I was grumpy with both of the kids tonight, and not particularly present with my wife. My mood is rather low right now. I’m feeling like there’s not much meaning to anything I did today…feeling like I just wasted a day. But what else would I have done? I’m feeling “meh.”
I did find an article today about “high functioning depression,” and I really resonated with it. You can find it here. It’s at a site called “The Mighty,” a community for people with mental illnesses, disabilities, chronic illnesses, and rare diseases. I just discovered it, but it seems like a great place to hang out.
I think I resonated with that article because I feel like a “high functioning” depressive myself. I was a straight-A student. I’ve been for the most part a good worker in every job I’ve had. I’m able to get out of bed every day. (If anything, I have trouble staying in it.) I’m able to put on a game face and accomplish what I need to. It’s when I’m alone that it hits me. It’s when the task at hand is complete. It’s when I have time to reflect. That’s when I get clobbered by the voices.
- You should have known better.
- You shouldn’t have said that.
- You’re so stupid.
- Nothing you do matters anyway.
- And all the rest, here on Gilligan’s Isle.
Yes, I just compared my inner dialogue to Gilligan’s Island. That’s probably unhealthy. But the point is, I sometimes feel almost like a fraud because I can function so well. So many people with serious depression can’t, just can’t, do so many of the things I do every day. And I wonder sometimes if I’m just being a drama queen, just crying out for attention. Exaggerating how bad it is. Articles like this help. Knowing there are people out there like me helps. Maybe I really do need a support group. If none of the local ones work out, perhaps I should really work on finding one online.
This post has been all over the place. And that’s how I’m feeling right now: not really integrated. Just distracted and unfocused. It’s not that bad. Just “meh,” like I said earlier. Perhaps tomorrow will be different.