The Things I Want to Do

I want to read. I have lots of books just waiting to be read, and I want to be a reader. I want my kids to see me reading, and emulate me. I want to know more than I know. I want to be the kind of person who is always growing, always reading, always learning. I sometimes do this. But lately, I haven’t been.

I want to walk. I have a pedometer, and in the past, I’ve been really good at getting about 12,000 steps a day. I’ve had a habit of just walking around the family room in our house, while watching television or reading on my Kindle. I would love to go out and walk along the Plainfield Rail Trail, or just putz around Lake Minsi or Bear Swamp. I sometimes do this. But lately, I haven’t been.

I want to have fun with my family. I sometimes do this. But lately, I haven’t been.

I want to write. I sometimes do this. And just in the past few days, I’ve finally been getting back into it.

I’ve been in a pretty low place lately. I think it happens in the summer. Depression hits some people seasonally. I think wintertime is a common time, but for me it tends to hit in the summer. Maybe it’s partially because I just hate being out in the sun when it’s hot. There’s nothing worse than 90 degree humid weather, with the sun beating down. Just add some clouds, and I’m much happier. But sunshine in the summer? Yuck. It gives me a headache, hurts my eyes, and just makes me hot, sweaty, and grumpy.

I want to do these things, but I just can’t find the motivation to do them. And as much as I do want to do them, my desire to sit around, play video games, and browse the web is stronger right now. I feel horribly lazy, but I know that it isn’t really just that. Depression can look like laziness, and while I don’t deny that I am lazy often, this is more than just that. It’s just so hard to talk about this, so hard to do anything about it. I’m not even really enjoying the little I’m doing. Everything just feels so grey and numb right now.

I know this will pass, but it’s really hard to see that right now. I’m not asking for help, just sharing where I am.

9 comments

  • Thanks for sharing your thoughts Pastor. I’m feeling about the same way now but for different reasons. God is always with us and will carry us both through this difficult time. Peace of the Lord be with you always.

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  • I feel the same way about summer. I get cabin fever because you can’t go outside in the heat. But I don’t feel that way when it is cold and even snowy.

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  • I get cabin fever in the summer when it is too hot to go outside, the windows are closed and the AC is on. I love the crisp fall days. And even the cold and the snow when the heat makes my cottage so cozy. I think September is the real start of the new year. The kids are back in school, the events begin at church, and once again the Jews got it right with their New Year celebrations.

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  • I understand. I get the same way sometimes. People are outside working in their yards, kids playing and laughing. Yet I just can’t get motivated to do much more than read. And I have always loved summer.
    I haven’t even been writing on my blog either.
    I want to do something crafty but just can’t get anything started. I love to cook and bake but it’s way too hot.
    Depression sure does suck. And I have taken meds for it for years.
    Sometimes I feel like I just waste my days away and that makes me feel worse.
    Have to remember…God loves me!

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    • It’s a vicious circle, isn’t it? Feeling bad leads to wasting days away, which leads to feeling worse, which leads to wasting even more time, which leads to…

      It’s so hard to get out of that cycle.

      Like

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