I want to read. I have lots of books just waiting to be read, and I want to be a reader. I want my kids to see me reading, and emulate me. I want to know more than I know. I want to be the kind of person who is always growing, always reading, always learning. I sometimes do this. But lately, I haven’t been.
I want to walk. I have a pedometer, and in the past, I’ve been really good at getting about 12,000 steps a day. I’ve had a habit of just walking around the family room in our house, while watching television or reading on my Kindle. I would love to go out and walk along the Plainfield Rail Trail, or just putz around Lake Minsi or Bear Swamp. I sometimes do this. But lately, I haven’t been.
I want to have fun with my family. I sometimes do this. But lately, I haven’t been.
I want to write. I sometimes do this. And just in the past few days, I’ve finally been getting back into it.
I’ve been in a pretty low place lately. I think it happens in the summer. Depression hits some people seasonally. I think wintertime is a common time, but for me it tends to hit in the summer. Maybe it’s partially because I just hate being out in the sun when it’s hot. There’s nothing worse than 90 degree humid weather, with the sun beating down. Just add some clouds, and I’m much happier. But sunshine in the summer? Yuck. It gives me a headache, hurts my eyes, and just makes me hot, sweaty, and grumpy.
I want to do these things, but I just can’t find the motivation to do them. And as much as I do want to do them, my desire to sit around, play video games, and browse the web is stronger right now. I feel horribly lazy, but I know that it isn’t really just that. Depression can look like laziness, and while I don’t deny that I am lazy often, this is more than just that. It’s just so hard to talk about this, so hard to do anything about it. I’m not even really enjoying the little I’m doing. Everything just feels so grey and numb right now.
I know this will pass, but it’s really hard to see that right now. I’m not asking for help, just sharing where I am.