Previously on…

During my first semester of college, I went through a deep depression. I was in a great deal of emotional pain and guilt, blaming myself and hating myself so much, that it seemed like the only way out was suicide. I was scared to keep on living. But I was also scared to die, so I prayed to God for help.

I stood in a tree, wanting to hang myself but scared to, and I prayed to God for strength to go through with it. And God sent me a sign – I saw a light in the distance that I somehow knew was from God – and in that moment, I felt like God was telling me, “no, don’t do this.” And I instantly changed my mind, climbed down the tree, and never looked back.

Over thirty years later, I was finally asked the question, “If you were looking for a sign from God to do one thing, and then a sign from God actually arrived, why did you take that sign as the exact opposite?”

Rethinking

So that’s a summary of my last blog post, entitled “Rethinking the Light that Saved Me.” If you missed that one, I encourage you to read it in its entirety here before continuing.

So I’ve started to think about that night a little differently. I’ve started to think that perhaps it’s less accurate to call the light-in-the-distance “sign from God,” and more accurate to call it a “visit from God.” As nuts as it sounds, I’m wondering if I actually received the gift of God’s actual presence that night. And I want to do a little bit of study in the biblical book of Job to explore why I think that.

Job

The book of Job tells the story of Job, a righteous and godly man who had everything he could want – wife, children, wealth, animals, servants, and so on. And then it was all taken away. In one tragic day, all of his children died, all of his animals were carried away or destroyed, and even Job’s body was covered in sores. Yet even then Job did not curse God. His faith was astonishing. He said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return there; the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord” (Job 1:21).

Job spends most of the rest of the book sitting in ashes, stewing in his misery. People come and speak with him, giving him advice. Throughout all of it, Job insists on his innocence – he does not deserve this circumstance. He wants to speak with God, in fact he demands that God show up and explain to him why this has happened. “But I would speak with the Almighty, and I desire to argue my case with God” (Job 13:3). The only thing Job wants throughout the book is to plead his case before God, and hear God’s explanation.

And then, after chapters and chapters of arguments between Job and his friends, God does show up, in a whirlwind. And here’s what happens when God shows up.

God says, “Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge?”

God says, “Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?”

God says, “Have you entered the storehouses of the snow, or have you seen the storehouses of the hail?”

God says, “Can you bind the chains of the Pleiades, or loose the cords of Orion?”

God says, “Do you give the horse its might? Is it by your wisdom that the hawk soars?”

For four chapters, God goes on like this.

And Job is satisfied. Job is actually satisfied with what God said. Even though God didn’t answer any of Job’s questions! Even though God didn’t offer an explanation or a reason or an excuse! All God did was showed up and say to Job, “I am God and you are not.” So why was Job satisfied with this? What changed him so much?

I guess it could be fear. Job heard the voice of God and was terrified, so decided to cut his losses and not say anything that could cause himself even more suffering. But that doesn’t ring true for me. Job has been saying for the whole book how much he wanted to question God, and he seemed willing to take his knocks for it. And it’s hard to imagine what more suffering would even look like for Job. No, I don’t think it was fear.

I think it was that God showed up. I think the presence of God provided Job with more than he ever imagined. I think that God’s very presence was life-altering for Job. When we are in the presence of God, things don’t stay the same. Things don’t go how we expect. God’s presence is something altogether different than a sign from God, or a message from God.

As Job said, “I had heard you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you” (Job 42:5).

My eye sees you

And I see a connection between Job’s experience when confronted with the whirlwind, and my experience that night when confronted with the light-in-the-sky. Before the whirlwind, Job knew what he wanted from God, but the moment God showed up, what Job wanted changed. In similar fashion, I knew what I wanted from God, strength to end my own life; but the moment God showed up, what I wanted changed. God didn’t persuade me to change my mind. God didn’t convince me to change my mind. In that moment, God’s presence changed my mind. Transformed my mind. Transfigured my mind. Resurrected my mind, perhaps?

No – I think transfigured is a better word than resurrected. And my reason for that is going to be the topic of my next post.  

Image by beate bachmann from Pixabay