For at least twenty years, I have enjoyed walking labyrinths. Labyrinths are maze-like structures that have been used as spiritual tools for centuries. For the past seven years, I’ve been walking labyrinths throughout the northeastern United States, and blogging about them. To learn more about labyrinths, check out this page at the Labyrinth Society. To find labyrinths near you, try the Worldwide Labyrinth Locator.

My family was on vacation at Chincoteague, Virginia. I decided to take a few hours to walk some labyrinths. I really didn’t have a particular question or theme in mind as I set out driving. I was having a delightful vacation, and I wasn’t really struggling with anything in my life at that moment! But I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to walk some labyrinths on Delmarva, so I set out, and figured I’d find the questions as I went.

My first stop was at St. Thomas United Methodist Church in Bloxom, Virginia. The labyrinth was in the church’s expansive backyard. It’s a 7-circuit medieval style, with a grass path and inlaid stone walls.

I thought about the trip, in particular the way I’d been interacting with my 16-year-old son Alex on the trip. He had been doing a lot of the driving, as I sat in the passenger seat teaching and coaching. He and I had also spent a lot of time in our rented cottage looking through information about colleges, as I’ve tried to help him make that important decision. One thing I’d been thinking about is how I wished I had done more work in my own college decision thirty-some years ago. I don’t regret at all going where I went, but I do regret not looking around more than I did. I recognized that while I was working with Alex on colleges, I was also trying to find some redemption for myself in that – I was trying to figure out where I should have looked way back then. It’s okay to do that, but I have to be aware of it and not let that influence how I talk with Alex about it.

So, I figured a good question for the labyrinth would be: How can I best support Alex as he becomes an adult, without letting my own stuff get in the way?

As I walked the labyrinth, I noticed something interesting about this design. It’s divided into for quadrants – you walk only one of them at a time, then move onto the next one. That reminded me that parenting goes through phases as the kids grow up. I’m not in the same phase with my 11-year-old as I am with Alex.

With Alex right now, in this phase, as I teach him to drive and help with the college search, it seems to me that three things might help me stay on track: Really listen, provide opportunities, and make space.

Really listen. Don’t make assumptions or talk over him. What am I hearing? Ask him what’s going on.

Provide opportunities. Alex isn’t going to just find everything on his own. I need to get resources and offer direction. Like the college guide book.

Make space. But while I can offer opportunities, I have to also then step back and let him choose. Let him explore. Let him try.

It’s a balance, and not necessarily a balance I did so well in my own teen years. I don’t have to recreate that time or redeem it, although redemption is certainly possible. Rather, I have to let Alex have his own teen years, whatever those look like.