In my last post, I wrote about how I stopped writing publicly last November. I claimed that the initial reason was my grief at the election of Donald Trump to a second term as President. Over time, I began to feel that if I started writing again, that writing had to change. I began to think that I had to write like a prophet, and if I couldn’t, then I shouldn’t write at all. And I’m not a prophet. I’m not good at being one. It’s just not who I am. If you haven’t read that post, I encourage you to do so before reading this one.

I should define what I mean by prophet. We often think of prophets as people who can predict the future. But that’s not what prophets are in the Bible. In scripture, prophets are people who, through divine revelation, can clearly see the present. They are able to see the present for what it is, and are able to extrapolate what will happen in the future based on the present. And they’re called to proclaim that, sometimes to people who don’t want to hear it. Prophets do sometimes talk about the future, but in the sense of “if you don’t change your ways, such and such will happen,” or “if you do change your ways, such and such will happen.” That’s what I mean by a prophet – someone who speaks a truth people don’t always want to hear.

I know people who are prophets in this sense. I have one very dear friend in particular, Rev. Dr. Leah Schade, who is bold and fearless about speaking truth to power. I am in awe of her for that. Sometimes envious of her. It wouldn’t be too far off to suggest that I stopped writing because I don’t feel I can write like Leah. Her writing is what the world needs right now, I thought. And if I can’t do that, then I should just back off and make room for those who can.

It has taken me many months to finally realize that I’m simply not Leah. It took me months of meetings with my therapist and my spiritual director to finally realize that there are different types of writing, and my writing is not the same as Leah’s. And what’s most important: it’s okay that my writing is different.

I started thinking about it kind of like this. I don’t know if you’ll relate to this analogy, but I’ll try. When I was a kid, I played the role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons. There were four main classes of characters, and the one I usually chose was “magic-user,” which meant they could use magic and cast spells. In the past few months, both of my kids have gotten interested in Dungeons & Dragons, so I bought a copy of the current edition of the Player’s Handbook. One thing I discovered was that there are a lot more character classes than there used to be.

In fact, out of the thirteen current classes, three of them wield magic: Sorcerers, Warlocks, and Wizards. One difference among these classes is the source of their magic power. Wizards spend years studying and learning magic. Sorcerers are born with an innate magic power. And Warlocks make a pact with a demonic being, who gives them magic. And because the source of their magic is different, so is the magic itself. Each class has its own set of spells, in line with the source of the magic. Sorcerers, Warlocks, and Wizards all use magic, but their magic is different and affects the world differently, because they come from different sources.

And that got me thinking about writing. I wondered if, like the various magic-user classes in current D&D, perhaps the source of writing can vary among people. Now, I’m not suggesting that some writers get their skill by making a deal with the devil. But perhaps the muse that different writers have is different. And I think I know the source of my writing – authenticity.

I explored my connection to authenticity while I was working with the Enneagram a few years ago. I discovered that I am a “Four” on the Enneagram. As the Enneagram Institute describes it:

Healthy Fours are honest with themselves: they own all of their feelings and can look at their motives, contradictions, and emotional conflicts without denying or whitewashing them. They may not necessarily like what they discover, but they do not try to rationalize their states, nor do they try to hide them from themselves or others. They are not afraid to see themselves “warts and all.” Healthy Fours are willing to reveal highly personal and potentially shameful things about themselves because they are determined to understand the truth of their experience—so that they can discover who they are and come to terms with their emotional history. This ability also enables Fours to endure suffering with a quiet strength. Their familiarity with their own darker nature makes it easier for them to process painful experiences that might overwhelm other types. (https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-4/)

That quote describes me perfectly. And it means that I am uniquely equipped to write about myself, because that’s the thing that most interests me. Not necessarily because of an egotistical attitude, but more out of curiosity. There’s something going on within me that I don’t understand, and I want to understand it better. And when I write about it, as I explore it, I start to understand. At least a little. And sometimes other people appreciate it.

And then something started to crystallize. Just because I’m a writer doesn’t mean I have to write about politics. Just because I’m a writer doesn’t mean I have to be a prophet. Because I’m not a prophet. My writing skill doesn’t come from prophecy. My writing skill comes from authenticity. And so I can still write from authenticity, even now.

It’s a different world now in some ways, and my writing may change as I adapt to this world. It might occasionally have an edge of the prophetic – I have a child who identifies as trans, for instance. If I write about him, there may be some politics there, just because trans people are very much in the crosshairs of some politicians and their followers. But it will still be authentic, because everything I write has to be – it’s the only way I know how to write.

I can still be me. I can still do this. And I’m still called to do this. At least I think so. And if I’m not sure, then there’s a topic for a future post. I’m glad to be back.