Today was the kind of day I always look forward to. I had nothing on my schedule. I got all my steps in easily. I read a lot; I knocked out all the things on my to-do list. I even started a strange new project not worth getting into here. I didn’t interact with a single person other than my family. Wonderful and relaxing for an introvert like me. Oh, and bonus…I actually got almost eight hours of sleep last night, which is an absurdly high number for me. I’m usually satisfied with six, and I can tolerate five.
Yet I don’t feel great. I was grumpy with both of the kids tonight, and not particularly present with my wife. My mood is rather low right now. I’m feeling like there’s not much meaning to anything I did today…feeling like I just wasted a day. But what else would I have done? I’m feeling “meh.”
I did find an article today about “high functioning depression,” and I really resonated with it. You can find it here. It’s at a site called “The Mighty,” a community for people with mental illnesses, disabilities, chronic illnesses, and rare diseases. I just discovered it, but it seems like a great place to hang out.
I think I resonated with that article because I feel like a “high functioning” depressive myself. I was a straight-A student. I’ve been for the most part a good worker in every job I’ve had. I’m able to get out of bed every day. (If anything, I have trouble staying in it.) I’m able to put on a game face and accomplish what I need to. It’s when I’m alone that it hits me. It’s when the task at hand is complete. It’s when I have time to reflect. That’s when I get clobbered by the voices.
- You should have known better.
- You shouldn’t have said that.
- You’re so stupid.
- Nothing you do matters anyway.
- And all the rest, here on Gilligan’s Isle.
Yes, I just compared my inner dialogue to Gilligan’s Island. That’s probably unhealthy. But the point is, I sometimes feel almost like a fraud because I can function so well. So many people with serious depression can’t, just can’t, do so many of the things I do every day. And I wonder sometimes if I’m just being a drama queen, just crying out for attention. Exaggerating how bad it is. Articles like this help. Knowing there are people out there like me helps. Maybe I really do need a support group. If none of the local ones work out, perhaps I should really work on finding one online.
This post has been all over the place. And that’s how I’m feeling right now: not really integrated. Just distracted and unfocused. It’s not that bad. Just “meh,” like I said earlier. Perhaps tomorrow will be different.
Scholtes-Blog 
Tomorrow will be better! I’m here if you need to chat!
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Tomorrow will be better.
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As a high-functioning Fibromite, I know exactly what you’re talking about. So many Fibromyalgia patients are completely unable to do anything, yet here I am, not quite well enough to hold down a job, but I can do things, if I have the needed recovery time. So many others in my position can’t do things full stop. I find that I need to justify my own disability to live up to some unknown standard of how sick I have to be before I’m accepted into the chronically ill community. This does a number on my head, too, because if I’m not that sick, why haven’t I vacuumed? My anxiety, or perfectionist tendencies, tells me that I should have gotten ALL THE THINGS done, but since I didn’t, then I’m obviously worthless, and shouldn’t even try when tomorrow comes around and things still need to be done. If I can get everything done, and done well, then why even try? It’s a vicious circle.
If you decide to go the online route, check out DailyStrength.org. I was there for years, and made some great friends there. It was a big help to talk to other people facing the same thing that I was, even if it was only through a computer screen.
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Wow. I resonate with your words so much. I often feel like I’m “not depressed enough.” I have hesitated to join support groups in the past because I didn’t think I’d be accepted by the community…I’m not sick enough! That’s where a lot of my guilt about this medical leave comes from…I’m not sick enough to need this level of help!
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